Bonnie and Snide

Time has recently become incredibly confusing for me. In three months, baby girl will celebrate her first birthday. Three months! It seems so soon. On the other hand, that is a full 1/3 of this child's life. That seems like forever  to me. For me, that's 10 years. This girl sleeps "well" about one in three nights, so during the time between now and her first birthday, I'll get about one month of decent sleep. Math. Everyone, literally everyone, has told me to cherish these baby moments because before I know it, she will be all grown up and yelling at me to leave her alone. Thus far I have been...less than successful in the cherishment department, mostly because my daughter has been so dreadfully and insufferably booooring.  She's was so lame. Undeniably cute. Smells amazing. But just a boring little drip of a human being. Until now. Because now my baby crawls! She crawls like a maniac. She crawls with all the suicidal vengeance of John Wick on pur

Ha! I just looked back at a draft of a blog post that I had saved, but never published, entitled "6 Month Observations." All I had on the page was: "Serious question. How the hell  are second children ever born?" Apparently I had some strong feelings at the time; and those feelings were that only a goddamned FOOL would ever put himself and his family through this child-raising experience more than once. It has been more than two months since I started and never finished that post, and just today Adair and I were doing some light brainstorming about when (not if) we might start trying for Baby Row #2. So, I guess, things have gotten better. It feels weird to type that, since it's still day-to-day just a dreadfully exhausting endeavor. But with the clarity of being able to look back two months (a full 25% of my daughter's life!) I can say that things are already so much more fun. Baby is sleeping more, eating more, engaging with us more; and a lit

Pop culture has a way of depicting life for new dads thusly:  Male childless friend: "So, you just do this now instead of [insert relevant dude stuff; i.e. football, drunkenness, strip clubs] New dad: [Looking frazzled and red-eyed, yet smiling wisely] "Yeah dude." MCF: Uhhh cool I guess? Ok I'm gonna go and do [relevant dude stuff]. ND: [More wise smiling] Oh, dear friend. You'll understand...some day. [Solitary dad happiness tear, audience "awwwws".] _______________ Before Mina was born, I promised myself several things. I promised that although having a child must change so much in your life, I wouldn't let it change who I am at my core. I promised that I wouldn't let it change my relationship with my wife. Or my relationship with my family. Or with my friends. I promised I would still care about work, love the outdoors, love baseball, keep working on my writing, find time for my hobbies, keep my sense of humor, and

We spent a nice afternoon with Grandpa Boyd yesterday, and today we are hanging with Papa Joe. I am spending my first Father's Day as a father being conscious of all the Dads in our lives; what it means to be a dad, what we all have in common, what makes a good dad, etc. First thing to note: Both of the dads in my life seem to have hurt their backs moving kitchen appliances. In true dad fashion, both of them asked me to come down to Salem this weekend and help them move refrigerators. Before those refrigerators could be moved, both of them hurt themselves doing other things and the refrigerator plans got put on hold. So, instead of physical labor befitting a son or son-in-law, I experienced not one but two fantastic Days of the Father that just simply made me thankful for those old men in my life. Grandpa Boyd, (and/or his wife) were kind enough to buy me that 100 ft. hose I was coveting and a spray nozzle with what I have chosen to term "superb hand feel". Hey if foo

Haven't had the time, energy, or general ability to blog for a few months, but I want to get a bunch of this stuff on the page before I forget it! Being a father has been hilarious and awesome and so damn hard. Here are some thoughts about it, in no particular order: 1) Sour cream smells exactly like digested breast milk. On a related note, I no longer eat sour cream on my nachos. 2) Babies for sure possess intricate and inexplicable psychic powers. Evidence: Baby knows the exact moment that hot food hits the table; chooses that moment to wake up from a deep sleep/freak out. Baby knows the exact moment said hot food congeals into a lukewarm trash pile; chooses that moment to peacefully drift her beautiful self back to slumber. Baby knows to wake up exactly 25 minutes before Dad's alarm goes off, every day, no matter what time the alarm is set for. Baby is willing to sleep just long enough for Dad to shower, but not long enough to let Dad get dressed. Baby doesn't

My daugther, Mina, was born happy and healthy on March 10, 2017. She's a 7 lb, 3oz, 20 inch ball of wonderment with large feet. This is the story of how she got here. Part IV: Finale My theory on why this labor took so damn long is that it was at least in part due to the double epidural nonsense; plus the 20% higher dosage kicker the second time around. By the time it was all said and done, Adair had two little baggies full of a drug that Wikipedia calls "50 to 100 times more potent than morphine" pumped deep into her system. Pretty sure that shit killed Philip Seymour Hoffman and  Michael Jackson. Anywho, with the pain management issue as settled as it was gonna get, it was time to start thinking about pushing to get this little bugger out. One little fun wrinkle in this whole thing was that because of insurance issues, Adair's doctor couldn't deliver Mina at the hospital where she normally worked. Adventist was considered her "backup" hospit

My daugther, Mina, was born happy and healthy on March 10, 2017. She's a 7 lb, 3oz, 20 inch ball of wonderment with large feet. This is the story of how she got here. Part III: Deliverance Adventist Medical Center in Southeast Portland is a funny little hospital. It's very small, old-fashioned, and low-key. When we toured it a few weeks before, the nurses kept apologizing for the mid-90s decor and the tiny tube televisions in every room. Although we didn't exactly plan it this way, (our insurance made the decision, thanks Boehner) this hospital seemed to fit our sensibilities perfectly. When we arrived, the kindly intake nurse took Adair into a room to check her dilation, and immediately eased our anxieties by letting us know that we would not be sent home, we had come to the hospital at the right time! They went ahead and checked us into the room in which Adair would deliver our daughter, and where we would be staying for at least the next few days. There wa

You hear a lot about "instincts" when you are becoming a new father. The general consensus goes something like this:  "Mothers, they start to feel that connection with the baby as soon as they can feel her kicking and growing inside them. Fathers though, they have trouble connecting with an unborn child. Once they see her and hear her cry though, then those instincts kick in and the bonding is instantaneous." So, laboring under those assumptions while Adair was pregnant, I mostly felt like it was essentially my job to just wait. Let nature take its course, and I would be a bona fide father soon.  Occasionally I would get to feel her kick or squirm around inside Adair's tummy, which was a feeling I absolutely adored; but when people would ask me how I was feeling, he truth was, I didn't really know. My stock answer was "excited," which was true. I was super excited to be starting this next chapter in our lives. As for being excited to have an a

My daugther, Mina, was born happy and healthy on March 10, 2017. She's a 7 lb, 3oz, 20 inch ball of wonderment with large feet. This is the story of how she got here. Part II: Thai Food and Restless Sleep I have mentioned on this blog previously that it's a big deal when you are pregnant that you don't overreact and head to the hospital too early. So, when Adair started having contractions, we knew that it could be a while, and that maybe if we were lucky, we might have a decent night's sleep. At this point, we did what all good Portlanders do when they are looking to kill some time: we got Thai food. Although Adair was harboring some mild concerns about eating spicy food mere hours away from the potential of accidental well-lit public poops in a hospital bed surrounded by kindly nurses and one lovely doctor, I was able to sway her with the reminder that she may not be able to have a solid meal for a while until this hootenanny was over and done with.  N

My daugther, Mina, was born happy and healthy on March 10, 2017. She's a 7 lb, 3oz, 20 inch ball of wonderment with large feet. This is the story of how she got here. Part I: Conception It was around 12:30 a.m. on a Sunday, just after a friend's wedding... Ok just kidding. Part I: Contractions in the Car. Cartractions. Our baby's due date was Sunday, March 12th. I was hoping for March 13th because 3/13/17 is all prime numbers, and Daddy don't have a great track record of remembering people's birthdays. Also, I got stuck getting married on 8/16/14, without a lucky odd number to be found (spelling eventual doom for my marriage), so I figured I'd be luckier with my baby girl. Anyway, she was due on the 12th. As most of you know, due dates are hardly an exact science; and in addition, literally everyone  was telling us that most first-borns don't come until after their due date. Doctors, nurses, friends, coworkers, friendly coworkers, pries

Or, Being Pregnant is Effing Crazy Or, Or, Being in the Womb in Even Crazier Today I held my wife's hand while a doctor hunted around inside her like a blind man looking for a nickel. This doc touched my baby's head. My baby, who is still like two weeks away from being born. Thirteen Marches from now, we will be celebrating my daughter becoming a teenager, with the subtle implication being that exactly thirteen years before, she became a human. The lesser known fact of that day will be that actually, thirteen years and two weeks before , an actual person fuckin shoved her around in there before she was even born to try and find her mom's cervix while she continued to gestate.  Jesus. And this isn't some awful emergency scenario or macabre medical malpractice going on, either. The baby is great, and the doctor is great. This little procedure is supposed to make sure Adair doesn't go too far past 40 weeks. So that mean's that it's this lady's j

Hello and welcome all nacho fans! Bienvenido to the inaugural episode of my recurring series PDX Nacho Hunt . A few days ago, I found myself bowling at a charity event...nachos on the mind. I thought about getting some at the bowling alley, but as an expectant father, I felt like bowling alley food is something I should begin to consider leaving in my past. As a man who has a close personal past with gas station oyster po' boys, it only makes sense to start raising that "what am I willing to eat?" threshold, bit by bit. So anyway, I start Googling around a bit, searching for "Best Nachos in Portland". Yes, there are some lists out there, ranked by social media mentions and some other horseshit. But, looking at lists gives me no personal excuse to eat bunches of nachos and then write about them myself, so here we are. __________   _____   __________ Episode One: Breakside Brewery 820 NE Dekum St,  Portland, OR 97211 As a long-time fan of t

Three weeks. Potentially a little sooner, potentially a little later. But basically three weeks, and I am someone's parent. Some kid's father. I say "some kid," because throughout my whole life, that's more or less how I have always seen children. They definitely don't bother me, but they have also never really brought me a tremendous amount of joy. I feel awkward around them, and I feel self-conscious about other people watching me interact with them. But now, as a man who is incredibly close to having one of his own, I find myself so fuckin' excited about it. I have zero reservations left. I can't wait until she is here and I can hold her and introduce her to people and talk about her too much and make her listen to my music. With my buddy Bix's help, I put together this nonsensical device called a Pack 'n' Play the other day. This is an item that I would have never thought I would be happy to have in my house; but now it'

Well hello there. Four short years have passed since my last blog post, in which I lamented about not blogging enough. My typing fingers have atrophied. My dry wit has become utterly moist. Strangely, my urge to curse via the interwebs remains top-fuckin-notch. During those years, life events have happened. Tears have been shed (not by me), laughs have been had (caused by me), and passive voice has often been used. Adair and I moved back home to Salem, Oregon. I got a job in Portland, she got a job in Aurora, so we moved to Portland. We got married! Hopefully you were there. If not, rest assured that I danced my ass off and sweated just a totally inappropriate amount. Uhhh other than that: lost a few pounds (not that many), grew a beard (not that thick), finished one or two books, finished 40 or so TV series, and got really into drinking Moscow mules. Nowwwwww we are having a baby! She's a girl, and she's supposed to be born on or around March 12th. So, now this blog is n