The Law Student Bestiary

Hi everyone,

Since Adair and I have had very few blog-worthy excursions lately, I must admit that there has been a serious dearth of content posted to our blog over the last few weeks. By way of apology, and hopefully to keep our beloved readers' interested, I now submit to you all a few excerpts from my upcoming encyclopedia "The Law Student Bestiary." Enjoy, but be warned, some entries might come off as a little mean, slightly elitist, possibly inappropriate, or just generally snarky.

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The Law Student Bestiary

A most glorious and accurate recounting of every dread species that one may encounter upon gaining entry to any one of this fine nation’s institutions of legal pedagogy.

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The Unashamed Gunner

We must begin with one of the most well-known and well-documented species in the law school community, the Unashamed Gunner (prickus smarterthanus). This creature, usually unmistakable at a glance, establishes dominance early by:

• Engaging in uncontrollable and maniacal raising of the hand
• Attempting to teach classes himself, despite a complete lack of actual knowledge or understanding (colloquially known as “dropping knowledge”)
• Insinuating that other students may have failed to complete assignments
• Any other act designed to distinguish the self from the pack (“peacocking”)

Remarkably, the creature stands out among others for its ability to speak directly out of his own anus at all times, whether prompted or ignored, welcome or unwelcome. Persistent and oblivious, the Unashamed Gunner is quite often the foe of countless law professors, who, despite their vague and generalized invitations, do not actually enjoy speaking with students.

Laid Back Homeboy

One may perhaps liken the Laid Back Homeboy (Douchia McConaughailus) to the Daddy Longlegs of the animal kingdom. Generally harmless, not as hated or feared as many other creatures, but when it comes down to it, very few actually desire to spend time around him.

The Laid Back Homeboy is easy to spot, no matter the occasion. He stands out by wearing plaid shorts, an open shirt, and hemp accessories on orientation day, regardless of contrary instructions to wear business attire. The greatest and most developed of the Laid Back Homeboy species may even be sporting ungainly curly hair and a wrist cast that he claims he broke during a melee at the beginning of summer, but in true “hardcore” fashion, just ignored until a week ago. He loudly proclaims his interest in environmental law, even though studies show that nobody in the history of legal instruction has ever asked his interests.

For the Laid Back Homeboy, the first two weeks of class consist of 98% meeting and greeting “chicks” (better known by civilized humans as uninterested females), and 2% repeating phrases such as “that’s cool, that’s cool”; “man is it beer time yet?”; “Oh, no way, I’m from Santa Monica too!”; and “law school, am I right?” (Important note: The Laid Back Homeboy is statistically never right.)

No scholar has ever been able to determine how, aside from university parental legacy policies, the Laid Back Homeboy actually ever made it into law school. Although most see him as harmless, a minority group has hypothesized that his very existence may mark the complete and utter degradation of law school credibility and reputation.

Hubristic Law Clerk

Unlike the other species explicated herein, of whom examples include both male and female examples, the Hubristic Law Clerk (hotblondus braggosia) species consists entirely of females, almost all of whom double blind studies have shown to be objectively attractive, (most notably in instances during which Laid Back Homeboys were used as participants), or at the very least, heavily concerned with outward appearance, material wealth, and social hierarchies.

The mating call of the Hubristic Law Clerk can be heard in every hall of every legal institution across the United States, and perhaps beyond. It consists of loud proclamations of work experience and current gainful employment (preferably but not exclusively consisting of positions related to judges, or large law firms known only by the first two names on the building such as Diebler Brecht; or Martindale Kraft, etc.]) The most bold of this species may even resort to shameless “job dropping” during class, regardless of the fact that the Hubristic Law Clerk’s professional duties consist almost exclusively of making/getting coffee, and screening client calls.

Other recognizable behavioral patterns include:

• Dressing “professionally,” (think pencil skirts, heels, and librarian glasses) for every single day of the law school term
• The wearing of name tags/governmental badges during class hours
• The blurting of judges’ names at odd times as evidence of “networking” experience
• Ungracious acceptance and failed reciprocation of insipid compliments from lesser beings, upon whom the Hubristic Law Clerk continually treads to reach the top of her hierarchical social hegemony.

Loud & Clueless International Student

Of the known species contained herein, the Loud & Clueless International Student (foreignalis volumino) is one of the few that the common man may find pitiable, or at the very least, slightly more tolerable. Typically younger, and eager to disprove a perceived or imagined handicap when it comes to high-level scholarly success, these are the creatures one often finds asking more than one question during a class period, offering utterly useless and/or irrelevant answers to professorial questions, jumping up to be the first to speak with professors both before and after class, and murmuring approval as if the professor was speaking directly to the subject. This final behavior is also often made in conjunction with an uncontrollable head nodding that sadly attempts to mask the fact that the professor is speaking far too quickly for the young Loud & Clueless International Student to translate.

One may recognize one of these species by the reactions of her classmates when she raises her hand or speaks up for the tenth or fifteenth time in a single class period. Examples include:

• Gaze averting
• Immediate email checking
• Rolling of eyes
• A slight annoyed shaking of the head, or
• (Rarely) feigned approval and positive reinforcement

Studies show that this last classmate behavior may be related to the classmate’s need to feel good about herself, or desire to display fake openmindedness and compassion. More data is needed.